A Different World

Yesterday morning I woke up happy and cheerful thinking that I would soon officially be able to put the nightmare of cancer behind me. I was slowly regaining my energy, the bladder irritation caused by the cystoscopy was fading and I had learned to manage the occasional flare up of discomfort and inflammation that was making walking around so uncomfortable. Also my nocturnal trips to the bathroom had reduced to only two or, at most, three a night.

In brief, everything was looking good. As I waited for my cab to take me to the hospital for my appointment the sun was out and it was a lovely warm morning but without the humidity that has plagued us quite a bit this last couple of weeks. My thoughts were on how I was going to enjoy telling friends and family how I was clear and that the rest of my life lay in front of me.

This morning I woke up feeling like a tired and defeated old man.

I suspect that my sleep last night was not very restful though I certainly had been asleep but today, if I sit in one spot too long, I drift off to sleep. I keep having to rewind the book I’m listening to as I’ve dozed off and missed a few minutes.

I did my usual shopping trip to the Village this morning but my feet were dragging and I didn’t enjoy it even though it was a lovely Summer morning and it took far longer than it usually does. I expected everybody to feel so sorry for my bad news but of course nobody was since nobody knew and they probably thought I looked damned miserable because I had drunk too much last night. So I felt let down that nobody in the whole world cared which is totally unreasonable of course.

I don’t have much appetite either. Yesterday evening I forced half my dinner down and threw the rest away which is pretty unusual for me. This morning I wasn’t hungry but I forced down a light breakfast and, later, some lunch.

So, as you can tell, I am feeling thoroughly sorry for myself but that can’t be allowed to last. I certainly can’t spend the next few months feeling as I did this morning with that huge dark void filling my head and the weight of the universe on my shoulders and adding at least a hundred years to my age. This afternoon I have cheered up a bit. Maybe I needed those naps to make up for poor quality sleep last night and maybe the improved mood won’t last but for now I at least had the energy to bore you with this bit of self-indulgent whingeing.