I'm rubbish!

I simply haven’t shaken off the aftereffects of last Wednesday’s treatment.

Even today, Tuesday, my legs are full of jelly, my head is full of sawdust and my stomach is most unhappy. As a result I am tired and generally out of sorts struggling to eat and plodding around like an old man.

Even finding my way around my own home is hard as my vestibular system seems to be really fouled up. For example I nearly fell over in the bathroom this lunchtime. I went upstairs, turned left at the top then left again into the bathroom then right to step towards the toilet. That right turn nearly did for me and I had to steady myself by leaning against the wall. God! I feel so damned useless.

I needed to get out of the house so I got a cab to the village this morning and pottered around doing a little food shopping. It was probably a dangerous thing to do as I got lost half way over a zebra crossing but luckily there was somebody there who set me right. Still, I did feel better for getting out.

This afternoon was one of my lowest points so far. Ann and I both wanted to go to a public meeting of disabled people in Sale town hall but for me it was a terrible mistake.

It didn’t help that the taxi was late and therefore the meeting had started when we arrived so I had to shuffle into my seat in view of a bunch of strangers. It didn’t help that we had been standing for 15 minutes or so waiting for the damned cab so that when we arrived at the meeting I could hardly stand up at all and had to hang onto one of the helpers who showed me to a seat.

However that doesn’t explain why I felt like bursting into tears as I sat there but it was a terrible effort to keep my composure and then on the way out at the end of the meeting as I shuffled along I really did burst into tears. I felt so weak, so useless, so inadequate and I made an utter ass of myself.

Then when we called a cab the operator couldn’t seem to grasp my explaination of where we were and I just had to hang up as I couldn’t deal with it. Luckily somebody we know helped and sorted us out.

It was such a relief to get home and, daft as it sounds, within half an hour I was feeling physically and mentally better thanI have since the latest treatment.

Clearly the toxins are still hanging around in my system and as Ann keeps on telling me I am not in charge of either my body or my mind.

Tomorrow it’s back for a “top up”, just one bag so I should be home by lunchtime.

And I’m really going to stress how dreadful I’ve felt this last few days so I can be given some stronger meds to deal with it.